


A Totally Normal Breakfast

by fandomtrashiness, Pretzelfishes, Thattheaterkidoverthere, unhookthestars



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil
Genre: Crack, Grantaire is bad at math, M/M, No Seriously it's just crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29576952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomtrashiness/pseuds/fandomtrashiness, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pretzelfishes/pseuds/Pretzelfishes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thattheaterkidoverthere/pseuds/Thattheaterkidoverthere, https://archiveofourown.org/users/unhookthestars/pseuds/unhookthestars
Summary: this fic was inspired by a greentext post that spiraled into an rp that then got transcribed into this mess
Relationships: Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	A Totally Normal Breakfast

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry

Grantaire sat down on a lovely morning to enjoy some delicious iHop. He sips at his Dr. Pepper as he waits for Enjolras to arrive.

Enjolras arrived but a few moments later, and Grantaire grinned, "Hey babe! I got us a booth, and don't worry, I sanitized the cushions."

Enj kissed his boyfriend's cheek as he slid into the booth. Meanwhile, a simple iHop employee by the name of Joe stood nearby, wondering why on earth someone would sanitize booth cushions. He stepped forward to take their order "Hi, my name is Joe and I'll be taking care of you today." he said, putting on his best customer service smile.

"Hi Joe. I will have hashbrowns and the fruit pancakes." Grantaire responded.

Enjolras tilted his head, "Fruit pancakes?"

Joe was confused, "The what?"

"The pancakes with the fruit on them."

Joe blinked, "I-I'm sorry? Can you point it out for me, hon?"

Enjolras blinked at Joe, not appreciating this random waiter calling his boyfriend hon. Grantaire narrowed his eyes, "Don't call me hon."

It was at this point that Jehan Prouvaire wandered in, and Enjolras waved to them. They beamed as they sat across from Enjolras and grantaire, "Hey!"

Meanwhile, Grantaire pointed to the menu, right at the Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity Pancakes. Joe looked to R. "Say it."

Grantaire ignored him, continuing with his order, "No bacon or sausage, please."

"Say the name."

Grantaire frowned, "You know what i mean, man."

Joe's stare remained relentless, "Say it."

Enjolras looked concerned, "I don't think- That's very rude of you, Joe."

Grantaire was getting frustrated. "The fruit. Pancakes."

Jehan was just confused. Joe persisted, "Say. The Name."

"No. You know what I mean."

Joe set his notepad down, prepared for battle, "Say it. I will do this all day."

Grantaire glared at Joe as Enjolras piped up again, "I don't think-" He was cut off.

"You can it." Joe snapped, holding a finger up to Enj. He turned back to Grantaire. "Say it."

Grantaire's resolve was cracking. "I-"

"Say the sacred name."

"I- C'mon-"

Poor Jehan was still unaware of what was happening, "I'm sorry, what?"

Enjolras was getting frightened, "R- just say it."

Joe was angry, his presence somehow becoming greater and more intimidating. "Say the name of our pancake savior god dammit."

"I-" Tears pricked at Grantaire's eyes, "I want the R-Rooty T-Tooty-" He sobbed, unable to say the name.

"Say it like you mean it." Joe growled as Enjolras rubbed R's back.

Grantaire trembled, "Please-"

"Can we get a manager?" Jehan asked, unleashing their inner Karen.

"SAY IT!" Joe roared, "I am the manager!"

Grantaire was sobbing, tears streaming down his face. "I want the Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity Pancakes."

Enjolras hugged R, trying to quell the endless stream of tears.

The tears continued as Grantaire finished his order, "Strawberries on top. No bacon or sausage, hashbrowns." He cried into his Dr. Pepper.

"Thank you." Joe wrote down the order and turned to Enjolras and Jehan, "What about you two?"

Enjolras was shaking, his voice was soft as Jehan patted his shoulder, "He's said it, please stop."

"I just want your orders? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Joe frowned.

Enjolras ordered, "Just some pancakes, please."

R's voice was weak, "Enjy..."

"No fruit."

"Just regular buttermilk pancakes? 'Kay, what would you like with that?"

Enj's tone was fearful, "Syrup?"

"There's syrup on the table." Grantaire mumbled.

Joe just stared for a moment before turning his attention to Jehan, "You?"

"I- I'll just take the cupcake pancakes please."

Joe nodded, "'Kay. Will that be all?"

Enjolras glanced nervously at Grantaire, who though still trying to control his breathing, had one more thing to say to Joe. "Burn in hell."

"Fuck you too, buddy." Was Joe's only reply as he left.

Enjolras tried to comfort Grantaire, "Breathe with me, R."

The man's next words were broken as he sobbed, "Enjy-"

"Grantaire, breathe." Jehan said softly.

Enjolras asked if he could hug Grantaire right as Joe came back with the food. The Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity Pancakes for Grantaire (the strawberries made a little cowboy hat), a single buttermilk pancake for Enjolras, and a normal stack of cupcake pancakes for Jehan. Upon seeing this Grantaire began crying again, eating the accursed pancakes with his bare hands. Joe was confused, "What the fuck?"

Jehan was having none of it, "Just leave. Leave now." They said as Enjolras murmured affirmations and rubbed R's back.

Joe didn't leave. "Also hey Taire, don't forget about your math test." He smiled creepily.

Grantaire choked on a strawberry, "What?!"

It was at this point that Enjolras morphed into a math test sheet. Grantaire screeched. Enjolras, still a math paper, said "I love you, R."

Jehan's voice was a creepy monotone, "Don't forget about the math test."

Grantaire sobbed and threw syrup at the paper, which screeched as Joe turned into Grantaire's first grade math teacher. He yelled, in a booming voice, " **M u l t i p l i c a t i o n T a b l e s !** "

R let out an unholy screech as Enjolras, still the math paper, got into his space, "What is the quadratic formula?"

He sobbed, "I don't know! It's useless!"

A disembodied voice rang through the iHop, "What is the square root of Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity?"

Enjolras asked yet another senseless question, "What is the slope of this pancake tower?"

Grantaire screamed, fell through the floor, and then woke up. Enjolras, laying next to R, looked terrified, "What happened?"

"R-Rooty- T-Tooty- F-Fruity-"

"I- What?"

"Qu-Quadratic-"

"R- Are you okay?"

It was at this moment that Grantaire got a text from Jehan that read, " _Hey! do you and Enj want to grab breakfast this morning? my treat_ "

A pause.

Another text.

" _how does ihop sound?_ "


End file.
